Hello everyone... I know we're in the first couple of weeks in April but I'm calling it March's update anyway as I usually struggle with title names for these posts!
First of all, you can see a lot of my recent thoughts expressed in my last video blog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCJnBTI_q-s
The main theme here is FRUSTRATION!!! With some hurt too...
It's been difficult, I turned 24 a couple of days ago and rather than celebrating, I just wanted to hide in a corner. A few years ago I was hoping to have my own place and being relatively successful in my job. It's just not happened. My health hasn't enabled me to fulfill my ambitions.
I actually wrote a good few lines on something I've briefed over in my last couple of videos but I decided to take it out. I think sometimes it's good to get things off our chest but not when there's a potential backlash. It doesn't matter even if you're right and feel like you need a bit of support, some things aren't worth the stress. All we can do is pray which is what I do a lot of.
I'm sat here in Costa writing this, have been here about an hour but leaving soon. I had a doctors appointment at 8:30am which was a waste of time. I can't really concentrate due to background noise so my writing may be a little disjointed and not as smooth.
I've mentioned before that I was discharged from the hospital as my OT said there was nothing more she could do. She was going to send a report to my GP and ask her to refer me to a pain clinic. The report hasn't arrived at the surgery yet so I've got to wait another few weeks. My GP said she doesn't think they'll see me at the pain clinic as the pain isn't in 1 particular area. I know this isn't true as lots of ME sufferers attend pain clinics. I also asked about going back on my pain relief medication and she gave me just 2 options, the ones I had already been on and another one. I know a lot who are on Tramadol yet she never mentioned that. In fact I don't think she knows anything when it comes to ME. I really need a new GP.
I've tried to push through the fatigue this past week or so. This situation that has been playing on my mind is eating away at me. If the other person knew this they'd probably be shocked. It's hurtful knowing I may never speak to them again when I feel I've done nothing wrong and I've always put them first before my health. Anyway, I'm at the stage where I just want to do things to occupy my mind. I'm not really thinking about the after effects, I'm 24 and I want to start living my life. I've been deprived of my 20's so far. I feel like I need a new start and only my health is stopping me. My ambitions are still the same but I'm getting fed up of all the same surroundings. I'm finding it hard to trust those around me and feel in some ways I need to start from scratch.
I don't go into detail often about my ambitions because I feel embarrassed about saying the same thing over and over. If I know someone isn't really interested then I'll close up and give nothing away.
In some ways I feel broken but others I feel it's just the start. Which one depends on which path I choose to lead. I can't hang around and maybe deserve a little more respect. In some ways I'm discrediting myself.
I've just decided that I have a new title for this post, very random but my mind is always a little random!
Hope you're all well as can be,
God Bless,
Barry x
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